Once again, I find myself backsliding into bad habits with reckless abandon. The vaunted vehicle of virtue I clung to from July to November has vaulted off the road, and I’m left wandering in the wilderness without a compass.
Portion control was the first line of defense to fall as my plate of restraint became a veritable feast of vice. And snacking? A never-ending tempest of tempting treats, a cavalcade of calories marching through my mind and mouth.
My body bears the evidence of my excessive behavior. Every extra inch of excess flabby flesh feels heavy, like a herd of elephants in medieval armor. My muscles, which once started to firm and tighten by December, have grown slack and weak, yearning for the exhilarating endorphins of physical exertion. Meanwhile, I’m entangled in a cocoon of complacency, a plush couch cushion of excuses and idleness.
I’m consumed by portfolio and website creation, leaving little time for anything else. Stress is gripping me, sapping my energy and exhausting my mind and body. I toss and turn at night, tormented by haunting worries of self-imposed-already-tardy deadlines and obligations; while the morning brings a fresh wave of stress and the incessant doubt of whether I should be doing something else, something more instead.
I’m running on fumes, bags under my eyes big and dark enough to smuggle marsupials.
Hydration has become a fleeting afterthought, lost among the constant concerns running through my head. I trudge through each day, parched and depleted, my skin dull and dry. I’m running on fumes, bags under my eyes big and dark enough to smuggle marsupials. I tell myself I’m busy, but the truth is, I’ve become too comfortable in my idle ways.
Throughout January, I repeatedly (and futilely) promised myself to break this vicious cycle. ” I won’t let this laziness continue. I’ll retake control, reinstate healthy portions, find a balance between work and rest again, and reprioritize hydration. My mind and body will thank me for it, rejuvenated and refreshed. I’ll reclaim my physical and mental strength and rise above this self-imposed downfall…again.” But even as I’ve said it, I’ve been unsure. I’ve been here before, promising to change, only to tumble back down the old habits rabbit hole.
I fear regaining the weight again.
The great weight loss chase is a never-ending story in our society, but it’s all part of the charade of appearing “presentable.” I dream of darting about with the energy of a hummingbird, unburdened by stress, basking in the illusion of good health. To whimsically twirl on the dance floor carefree, shaking off the chains of self-doubt and insecurity, embracing the freedom of movement while jumping up and down and undulating my arms through the air like some mix of a 70s hippie, an 80s movie dance character, a 90s feminist punk rock girl, or even a wacky waving inflatable tube person. Doctors say healthy habits and smart choices are the secrets to eternal bliss… or at least that’s what the internet tells us.
The battle with body positivity is an ongoing war waged within me. The drumbeat of societal messages that thinness equates to happiness and fulfillment weighs heavy. Often in this world, I’ve seen how appearance holds immense power and influence, and those who can and do present themselves as conventionally attractive receive greater privileges and opportunities.
I’ve seen the favor firsthand, but at the same time recognized how this reinforces the idea that appearance rather than character or abilities determine a person’s worth. The message is clear: conforming to society’s beauty standards will reward you with at least a modicum of validation and success. But what if I need a bit of validation and success?
It may be time to slim down and start anew: to shed the weight of my unhealthy habits and make a fresh start. Take it one thing at a time, one day at a time, and make the so-called small changes that lead to significant results. I’ve done it before (over and over, again and again)! So, I know I can succeed with determination and hard work — or at least die trying.
